- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
You can't tell the guys that I shop here, okay?
Because I'm pretty picky about what I eat.
Zack, honey, I can't seem to find the Smooth Move laxative tea.
Yeah, it's over in the disgusting section, Grandma.
You must be the big-eared girl.
- This, Amy, is my beautiful grandmother. - Nice to meet you.
I'll meet you outside. Don't be late.
- Boy, is she smoking hot. - Don't listen, right now, please.
So you don't live with your mom, huh?
I never said anything about my grandmother.
Now, can we please finish this conversation in organic vegetables?
Yeah.
Ten years ago, I had a start-up, a dot-com.
And I had a computer, I had a product, I even had a PO box at Mail Boxes Etc.
- You? Come on. - I know, right.
I was a hotshot straight out of college, and I thought I knew everything,
- but, boy, was I wrong. - What happened?
Borrowed a lot of money to get it started, and then I lost it all.
People know there's a risk.
Except for my grandmother, who didn't have the money to risk.
That's why she kind of lives with me now.
After that I thought I'd do something with a little less responsibility.
You know, something that wouldn't jeopardize anybody's future.
Except your own.
Yeah, thanks, Dr. Phyllis. I get your point.
Zacky, what's my PIN number?
1-2-3-4, Grandma. Now we got to change it again.
Anyway, I got to get going. I'll see you later.
- See you. - Bye.
I'm a professional.
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two...
It's free then.
We're going to need some insurance...
- That's not good. - Yeah. Should I help him?
- Yeah, go ahead. - Okay.
Are you okay, Vince?
Am I losing it? What could she possibly see in him?
Well, apparently they have a lot in common.
And they even finish each other's sentences.
What? Where did you hear this?
Why haven't you told me about this? I knew it had to be something.
Everybody knows, home slice.
Well, I'm going to have to turn this up a notch.
Push, push, push. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
- Boss? - I got it.
Save your energy.
Don't cry, okay? I'll cry for you, okay?
Get someone who speaks English.
Oh, hey. I didn't see you sitting there.
- You didn't? - No.
Oh, my God, we ordered the same thing. How serendipitous.
- How are you? - Good. It's all good.
All right, well, my break's over, so I'm gonna
- take off. - Take a dump?
- Excuse me? - Nothing. I didn't say anything.
- Are you feeling all right? - All... Okay?
Jinx, you owe me a Coke or...
- You can't talk till I... - What?
- It's a jinx. - Bye.
Buy low, sell high. That's not what you were gonna say.
- I'll see you later. - See you later, alligator.
Okay.
What are we gonna do then? My brother is gonna flip out.
You gotta find a place to put those pallets.
I've checked the entire store, sir. There isn't room available anywhere.
We can't afford to send these back, okay? It will kill our margins.
You don't have a big brother.
You don't know what it's like getting hit in the shins with a little cane.
I have a little sister, sir, and she can be very cruel.
- I'm sorry. - Thank you.
Hey, guys. How many pallets are we talking about?
Well, where the hell is he?
You know, we can't keep playing Texas Hold 'Em with three. It sucks.
- Cashiers have different break times. - Yeah, well, it sucks.
I think he's gone to the dark side, guys.
- He wouldn't do that. - It sucks.
- What? - Okay.
There's only four people in the world that know about this place.
And I don't think either one of us did this.
- So, who's the odd man out, huh? - Sucky Zack.
He wouldn't do it on purpose, guys. This is his lounge, too.
Not anymore.
- What, is it Zack? - Check it out, eight balls.
- Tell me it's not Zack. - I said it's him.
I knew it. He sucks ass.
Hey, what's up?
I have plans for tonight, if you're interested.
Love to.
All right, I'll pick you up at your place at 9:30.
- Okay, cool. - Okay.
Excellent.
Hey, buddy, take a seat.
Welcome.
I won't bite. Come on.
- Nice, huh? - Yes.
Downright decadent. You know, the soda machine's free.
Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. That's amazing.
Please, have a drink.
Yeah, yeah, thank you. Thanks very much. Look at this, no dents.
Not in here.
Nice, huh? Cheers.
Oh, boy.
Look at us here, just a couple of soldiers on the field of battle.
Sitting here like a couple of old gay sailors.
What are we doing?
I'll tell you what. Let's, you and I, put our differences behind us.
You back off, I win E of M. I get my car. Malibu.
I get the girl, I get the promotion.
When they buck me up to assistant manager,
I'm gonna do you a solid. I'll let you keep your job.
What do you say?
Thanks for the Coke.
Well, I've got something to say to you.
Nobody is going to stand in the way of me and my Malibu.
Not a wall of fire.
And as for butter buns, she's all mine. So you can forget about that.
- And does Jorge know about her? - Jorge's none of your business.
Who do you think she'd rather be with?
Some little lowly box boy who fell ass-backwards into a job title,
or King Dick, head cashier and winner
of the southwest regional speed ring competition?
Let me think about that for a second. Hmm. I would say...
- The answer is me. Head cashier, smart-ass. - I wouldn't be too sure about that, Vince.
I got bad news, bro. Game over. I'd watch my back if I was you.
- Were. - What?
- "Were you." - Watch out.
Hey, guy.
What the hell happened to our lounge, man?
I know what you guys are thinking, all right?
But I'm three days away from winning this thing.
I just gotta do what it takes, all right? Small sacrifices.
If I put some cheese up in the clubhouse,
you guys got to suck it up for a little bit.
You know, it's just a temporary thing. You with me, yes?
Trust, is it right there?
This is what I'm thinking. At the end of this thing,
if it goes the way I think it's gonna go,
I'm gonna be able to get you guys into that lounge.
I know it. Cool?
I can see it. It's cool. All right.
Ass.
- Hey. - Hi.
- You look nice. - Thank you. So do you.
Clear. Come on. Come on.
- Do you know the plan? - Si. Got it.
Okay.
- What is that smell? - It smells funny. I don't know.
- Oh, God, did you fart? - No.
- Where did you get these pantyhose? - I got it from my mom's gym bag.
- Did you get them all? - Si.
- What are you eating? - I don't know. It's like a salmon churro.
- It's rancid. - It's pretty good, homes.
What are you doing? There are no weapons in this mission.
I will not do time for you. I will roll over on you.
You said you were a Mexican, not a Puerto Rican.
Thanks again. I had a lot of fun.
Yeah, I did... Did, too.
I didn't know anybody really ever won these things.
- Well, I've tossed a lot of dimes in my day. - I bet you have.
- Well, good night. - Good night.
All right.
- All right. - All right.
- Drive safely. - Okay.
What? No! No! No! Shit!
Twelve minutes! Shit!
Vince.
Oh, I love the smell of a championship in the morning.
Have you guys seen Zack this morning?
- What? - Nothing.
We haven't seen box boy Zack this morning.
Move. Move. Move. Coming through.
Excuse me.
Too close. Too close.
Move!
Is that all you got?
Where's my card? Where...
No. No.
Yes! It's over. Of course.
Hey, Zack.
Mikhal's championship game is this Friday.
On it, Iqbal.
- You are... - Right on time.
Thank you, Iqbal.
No!
It's a large item. I'll have someone bring it up.
It's a great shirt.
There you are. Radio.
Check stand one. We've got a bulk item.
"Piece o' shit Honda" on aisle 116.
On it.
Vince, I think you're gonna wanna see this.
Watch the stand for me, Jorge.
What kind of a sick animal?
God damn it. Someone get this down.
- Is there a problem here? - Yeah, that is my car.
No, no, no, I bought it. Here is my receipt.
The only thing that you own is that crazy Hawaiian shirt.
This is my vehicle.
Hey, I need to see a manager right now! Where is he?
Technically, if it's on the rack and in the system, we're required to sell it to him.
If we don't, he's threatening to write a complaint.
- Fine. - I'm sorry.
Sometimes third gear sticks a little. You gotta give it a little wiggle.
I... Oh, all right.
I can't believe you sold your wheels to that dude.
- You promised. - I had to.
And for $9,980 less than what you would have charged me?
If I didn't, he was going to write me up. One complaint, I'm out of the game.
I'm sorry, wingman.
I'm not your wingman anymore.
You can't be serious.
You're nothing without me. You're...
Yeah, baby. Read 'em and weep.
Looks like somebody's gonna need a ride home.
Well, well, well, 15 to 14.
You gave me a pretty good run back there, buddy.
But tomorrow is the last day.
When I step out onto that softball field, pop a couple dingers,
it's going to be celebration time in my new Malibu.
Well, Vince, you know what they say. It ain't over till your mama sings.
Bad news, guy. Mama don't sing at all.
Face.
As you know, Corporate, a.k.a. My big brother, Glen Ross,
will be attending the game.
So, it's very important to me and to all of you
that we beat Maxi-Mart today.
- And, since the passing of... - Janet.
...Janet, we are in dire need and could really use an outfielder.
Anyone? Anyone. An outfielder, so...
Anyone? Somebody?
Anyone at all? Some... Zack Bradley.
- You're our guy. - Yeah.
- Okay. That's good. - Yes.
Okay. All right. Everybody, be safe out there.
Wish me luck.
- Hey, hey, Zack. What are you doing? - I'm going to the softball game.
You were going to cover for me. Mikhal's game, remember?
I'm sorry, I can't.
But it's a championship.
- I got it. - You sure?
- Yeah, I'm cool. - You're a good friend.
Thanks.
All right, bud.
35, 36, 37, 38, 39...
Damn it. Why are our uniforms pink?
We accidentally washed them with the red socks.
Play ball. Super Club, take the field!
- Take the field! - Oh, no.
Seven, eight, nine... Dang it! We're short.
You know, I didn't mean that. We're... You know...
I meant, where is Zack? Please don't point the stick at me.
- I'm gonna call Mom. - Don't call Mom.
Look alive out there, for Christ's sake!
No batter! No batter!
Act like you've held a stick that big before. You know you have.
What do you call that?
I call that my best.
And I heard you out there, and I didn't appreciate it.
Just get back.
Who's up?
I'm out of here.
Renfroe, looking good.
Looking real good. Nice. Super good.
Put it in his curve tank, buddy. Come on.
- Come on, Jorge. - Come on, baby.
That's what I'm talking about, Zack.
Pull your head out of your ass, ump!
It hit the ground. The ball's no good!
That's right! Way to go! Yes!
This is baloney! Check the bat, it's corked!
Here we go, boys. We're down by a few. Only down by a few. We can do this.
Not in my house.
Nice, Glen Gary. Nice.
Yes, come on! Way to come back!
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Shut up, Mary.
Why won't you trust me?
You're out!
- What? Are you kidding me? - I said you're out!
- What are you talking about? - Can't you hear me, you're out!
Iqbal, please report to Electronics.
Iqbal to Electronics, please.
Come on, guys, just got to hold them here.
You work for me. Get out there and get it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Time.
What? Time out? Can we please respect the sanctity of this game?
Everybody take a knee. Hop down here.
Grab a knee, come on.
All right, we can win this.
And we can win this the Super Club way, okay?
And until today, I didn't even know what that meant.
In fact, I still don't, but I do know this.
We're a team out here. I mean, look at us.
Glen Ross, I thought you were going to be a stuffed shirt out here.
The way you took down that catcher, are you kidding me?
You're the balls, man! You're the balls and the taint.
You're that whole region.
And you, I don't even know you on a personal level,
but you sign off on my paychecks. That's a good thing.
Amy, you're wonderful. Don't change a thing.
Glen Gary, you got us pink uniforms, yes,
but, you know what? That's what unites us.
These uniforms unite us,
because we are all pink on the inside, right?
Yeah, we're pink like vaginas.
Good guess, Vince. We're Super Club.
- Where buying in bulk is what? - Our God-given right!
- Let's win this game! - Yeah!
Come on, guys, two outs. We're up by one. We just got to hold them right here.
You all better get your umbrellas out because there's a storm coming.
Come on, Jorge, give it to them!
I got it.
- Okay, people! - Quiet down, everybody!
Let's get down to business. Okay.
Thank you, Zack, for coming through for us.
- A sweet victory. - Yeah.
- Congratulations. - Yeah, yeah!
Good job, Zack.
What this means is a tie for employee of the month,
which has never happened before, ever.
Now, we've decided tomorrow at the banquet
we're going to have a check stand ring-off. Winner take all.
Now back to work. Be safe out there. Nice job.
Thank you. Nice job! Nice job!
I can't do this alone.
I'm gonna need you.
Please. Come home.
I'm gonna need some time to think.
I understand. I do.
I'm gonna give you your space, homes.
I did it. I did it. I tied it up.
I tied it up. What's going on?
- They fired him. - Why?
Apparently, Action Media did a special on dirty electricity,
and there was a mad rush on power strips while he was at Mogala's soccer game.
- But I was... - You were supposed to cover for me.
We had a deal.
Okay, now wait a minute, all right, I was taking your advice.
Taking pride in my work.
But that is a little bit harder when I'm taking pride in your work, too.
- Wait a minute. Let me just say something. - I think you've done enough, guy.
I can see right through you.
Hey, Zack.
We're taking all the cashiers out to the Steaksmith. Come on, let's go.
Come on.
You made me so proud out there today. Come on.
- Look at him. - No, don't.
He's at the big boys' table.
Vince.
Didn't realize it was going to be such a competition for you.
You're like a skilled surgeon behind that register.
You guys seen his counter?
Not a speck of dust, not a single tool out of place.
- I guess I can get a little anal. - Actually, I hear he gets a lot.
Now, that's funny!
Hey, why don't we send the little lady to get some drinks?
I don't think that Amy appreciates you referring to her...
I'm talking about you, Nancy.
- It's okay, I'll go. - Thank you, sweetheart.
Oh, boy.
Hey, I read that girl's personal file.
I hear she only likes to go after the employee of the month.
Excuse me.
What's up, fellas?
I don't know who threw the lime, but that was a good shot.
Check it out, Iqbal. Listen to this.
I know you got fired, but I'm getting in pretty tight with management now,
and I think that I could turn this thing around.
That's it? You're in tight with management?
You used to be tight with us, with your friends.
You used to be someone we could count on.
Not anymore. I'm sick and tired of sticking up for you, Zack.
Yeah, what happened to you, man?
You're like the drummer from REO Speedwagon.
Nobody knows who you are.
You're becoming one of them. You're turning into Vince.
- Wait a second. I am not like Vince. - No, you're worse.
At least Vince isn't pretending to be an asshole.
But you,
you're pretending to be one of them just so you can get into Amy's pants.
Step off, okay?
The Zack we know wouldn't have sold out his friends
just because some slinky-ass blond tart
would sleep with the employee of the month.
So, just step off.
Is that true?
Hey, Amy.
Is that the blond tart?
Did she hear me?
Amy, Amy, wait. Amy.
You actually thought that I would sleep with you
if you won employee of the month? Who told you that?
Your personal file.
I see.
So that's why you've been working so hard, huh?
No. Yes. Kind of.
I heard that, and then I saw you with Vince, and...
- I thought you were different, Zack. - Amy...
You want to know if I screwed the employee of the month at my last job?
- No. - Well, I did. But he was also my boyfriend,
and a lying, conniving, asshole-user, just like you.
You employees of the months are all the same.
Amy. Amy.
Why aren't you dressed for work? Isn't today the big day?
- I quit. - Why?
I screwed up, Grams. Amy hates me. My friends hate me.
Everybody's right about me. I'm a loser.
- Well, you're certainly dressed for the part. - Thanks, Grams.
You know that loser that lost all my retirement money?
Well, at least that guy actually tried.
I'll take the old Zack any day.
Wow, it's only been a day.
You look terrible.
- Are the boys in there? - Yeah. Guys.
Go play.
- What are you doing here, guy? - Just hear me out, all right, guys?
I'm sorry for what happened, and I apologize for my behavior.
I forgot who my real friends are.
Iqbal, I talked to Glen and I gave my resignation.
I took full responsibility for what happened.
You got your job back.
- I don't want the job back. - What?
Turns out me getting fired gave Humera the courage
to demand a promotion last night. I'm a stay-at-home Daddy now.
Can you believe it? I should be thanking you.
You know, Iqbal, you said something the other day,
and you were right. The universe has a plan.
I'm going to win that competition.
And I'm not going to do it for employee of the month,
I'm not going to do it to beat Vince,
I'm not even going to do it for Amy. I'm going to do it for myself.
For pride. But I need you guys.
Are you with me?
We never went anywhere.
Yeah, but wait a minute, Zack. You just said you quit.
Yeah, that does pose a problem, doesn't it?
Hey, we got you covered, guy.
Nothing a little broken chocolate won't fix.
Thanks, guys.
Hey, watch it.
Nice wheels.
- I'll come back on one condition. - Name it.
You give me full access to the cashiers' lounge.
Done.
It's good to have you back.
It just feels right.
Okay.
Home slice.
You can do it, boss.
You know, we're like shampoo and conditioner, you know.
We're like ham and cheese. We're like bread and pumpernickel.
So, I heard about you and Zack. I am so sorry.
The guys who cut corners cannot be trusted.
But I want you to know something. I'm willing to fight to save our relationship.
I hope you are, too, because I love you.
Face.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go defend your honor.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
I have a sad announcement.
Zack Bradley quit this morning.
Yes! Come on!
So, it looks as if Vince is going to be...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, he already quit, you said. And everyone heard and then...
Technically, the papers were never filed.
Oh, my goodness, you sold yourself for a candy bar?
Is that true? Is he still employed?
How could you?
Put that chocolate bar down and do your job.
Let's get this party started.
All right. Okay. Now we're talking. It's a virtual tie for employee of the month.
Today's work will determine the winner.
Now, we've placed the exact same amount of product in each cart,
along with a curveball or two. Oh, it's gonna be fun.
So whoever has the fastest ring rate will win it all.
Juan, give me the gun.
Give me that.
Listen, I know you have every reason to hate me.
I lied, and I regret that,
because I was that slacker who lived with his grandmother,
and had everybody do his job for him.
So I wanted to apologize and I want to thank you.
Thank me?
Because if it wasn't for you, Amy, I'd still be that guy.
All right, let's do this.
Put it back.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. I need somebody to box for me.
Okay, you know what? I'll do it.
Come on. Come on, dingle eyes, take a left.
Hey, man. Thanks, brother.
Okay, everyone, be safe out there.
Go!
- Let's go. Let's go. - Come on. Go get him!
Wow.
Go, go, go.
Come on, Zack.
- Zack! - You're doing a good job.
You're getting weak.
Tampon.
- All right! Way to go! - You are fantastic.
Vince, there's one more item.
- Come on, let's go. - Zack!
Watch out below!
- Jorge! - What? What?
- Curveball. - What to do?
No price-checking available!
- Come on, get out of there, dude, go. - Come on, guys.
Come on, run, run.
Zack!
- Open-ended cart! - What do you do? What do you do?
Come on!
Restock the shelves.
Be careful with the items.
Surrender!
Surrender, box boy.
- Come on, guys, come on. - Yeah, yeah. You got it.
Curveball.
Old woman in need of assistance. Bunion pads, please.
Yes! Yes!
Here we go! Back to the registers! Let's go.
And the tiebreaker goes to Vince Downey!
Now, that's teamwork.
Man, you did your best, dude.
Be proud. You did great.
It wasn't enough. I blew it.
- Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me. - Well,
never in the history of Super Club has anyone won employee of the month
18 times in a row.
But tonight, someone has.
The complaint box, please. Just to make sure.
Sure. Sure.
Oh, there is something here.
- "Super Club blows." - That was close, huh, Vince?
Our champion and winner of a brand-newish Chevy Malibu,
Vince Downey. Downey! Downey! Downey!
Thank you. You are such an inspiration.
And all of you, the little people that make Super Club
- the place it is. - You're an ass.
You are the scaffolding on top of which I stand so high right now.
And you, Zack,
you made it a race.
Thank you. But I won.
Excuse me, sir. I think there's something you ought to see.
Okay, big 'uns, why don't you go kill a couple of sandwiches there?
Go ahead, find your way back to the desert cart and graze a little bit.
Not right now, Semi. We're in the middle of something.
Surveillance footage of the competition, sir.
We're in the middle of a celebration. Okay, all right.
Well, he is very large.
This is unconventional. Listen. But I just want to recap.
I did some amazing things today.
Sir, watch this.
That's the kind of speed that won me the southwest regional competition.
I'm embarrassed, actually.
Sir, I'll rewind it again. But this time, watch the oats.
- Well, what? I... - Hold on.
- Look at this one. - What?
Watch the oats.
He tampered with it. I mean Zack clearly paid the retard.
It's a forgery.
- Am I seeing this correctly? - You see, sir, he didn't rung it up.
Not only did he cheat during the competition,
he's been giving away free stuff all year long.
Absurd.
- You see, I got the tapes to prove it, sir. - What a ridiculous allegation.
Sir. He's right, sir. These are from the registers.
Same carts, same amount of items. Different totals.
Vince Downey.
You're the fastest, all right. Fastest criminal in the southwest.
Hey.
That's why they call you Semi.
Vince Downey, you are a disgrace to me and to the Super Club chain!
I am not proud of you.
Get that scum out of here before I kick his ass myself.
Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like employee of the month
will go to the runner-up, Zack Bradley.
Yes! Yes! Congratulations.
You've won everything.
That is wonderful.
- Hold on, he's going in, he's going in. - He's going.
Thank you.
- Listen, I just wanted... - Listen, I just wanted...
- You go. - You go.
Okay.
So does this mean that you only go for the...
I guess you'll have to find out next month.
- Are they kissing? - They're kissing.
- They're kissing, yeah. - They're kissing.
- I love this song. - It's the best.
So, Maxi-Mart really makes you wear those things, huh, bro?
Maxi-Mart? No. Jorge, I am on probation.
I'm under house arrest.
I can't go more than a mile away from my home and/or work.
It's cool though, I'm out.
I gotta hand it to you. The car looks tip-top. It really is immaculate.
I know.
- Hey, can I take it for a spin? - No.
- Well, can you give me a ride to... - No.
How about a ride to the bus stop?
Absolutely.
Jorge, blinks mean it's the border. No, are you going past...
All right, you got to let me out.
Jorge! Go back! Go back! We're past the mile. God. Jorge!
Split & Resynck: Xenzai[NEF]